CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Martin is watching tv. Frasier is sitting reading a book, trying not to tut. It is SEASON ONE.)
Martin: Arrest that fucker! And rough him up!
(He is watching a cop movie where some cops are arresting drug dealers.)
Frasier: Dad, "roughing up" criminals does not reduce crime figures, statistics show...
Martin: Well, shoot them in the head then! That'll reduce crime figures!
Frasier: Dad! You can't seriously be suggesting executing citizens on the street without trial!
Martin: Oh lighten up you fucking BLEEDING HEART, it's only a movie. Why don't you go read your book in your bedroom.
Frasier: It is my home, I'll read where i choose to!
(Eddie jumps up on the couch and starts humping Frasier's book.)
Martin: Hahahaha, good boy, hump the shit out of that book! God, I wish I'd never been shot in the hip so I didn't have to look at you, Frasier.
Frasier: Dad, I think you're drinking too much...
(Camera pans to show A HUNDRED empty beer cans on the floor next to Martin.)
Marin: I have to drink to tolerate this LIVING HELL. God, I wish I was out on the street shooting criminals, manhandling hookers, scaring hippies...
Frasier: It's not that bad here, surely. I did hire that nice English girl to look after you.
(Daphne enters. Smoke is from the kitchen.)
Daphne: Ooooh, Doctor Crane, I just burned me toad in the hole! I can't handle your new fangled American cooking appliances! Back in Manchester, we just throw our food on the open flame and pull them off again with our bare hands when they're done!
Frasier: Daphne, you're going to burn down my apartment!
(He runs into the kitchen. Daphne watches tv with Martin for a moment.)
Daphne: What's this pile of old bollocks you're watching, then.
Martin: Just a movie about a cop who's HAD IT UP TO HERE with the damn rules so he's going around shooting criminals in the neck. Do you even have movies in England?
Daphne: 'ere, of course we do! We call them "THE PICTURES", of course. And it takes a few years for the films to come out over there. We just got Star Wars last year. I can't wait to visit home next year to watch the sequel!
Martin: What, where Darth Vader turns out to be Luke's father?
Daphne: You rotten old sod, you've spoiled it, you 'ave!
(Daphne punches Martin in his bad hip. Martin winces in pain then flies into a rage. He stands up, brandishing his cane, preparing to swing it at Daphne...)
Martin: My old cop buddies will cover up your death for me...
(Niles walks in through the front door. Studio audience cheer wildly.)
Niles: Dad, what are you doing to that enchanting woman!
Martin: ...what am I doing.
(Martin drops his cane and drops to the floor, weeping.)
Martin: What have I become!!!!
(Daphne runs over to Niles and hugs him.)
Daphne: Ooooh, Doctor Crane, I was so scared, I was! Reminded me of when that awful Maggie Thatcher came to me home town and shot all the miners!
Niles: Well you're safe in my arms...
(Martin continues to weep on the floor.)
Daphne: Shouldn't you go and check on your dad?
Niles He'll be fine!
(Martin starts choking on his own tears. Frasier walks back in from the kitchen.)
Frasier: Dad!
(Frasier helps Martin up.)
Martin: I'm sorry, son, I love you really! I'll stop having Eddie hump all your food before Daphne serves it.
Frasier: I love you too, dad! Niles, get over here for this rare moment of fatherly affection!
Niles: Daphne needs me.
Daphne: I'm okay, Doctor Care, go be with your family. I wish I'd spent more time with me mum before she died from all those stab wounds...
Niles: I thought your mother was still alive?
Daphne: Oh...that must have been a beautiful dream I had about her bleeding out while I watched...
(Daphne leaves. The Crane boys put Martin to bed. Suddenly, the door flies open again. Roz and Bulldog come in.)
Bulldog: Hello, sportsfans! I'm here to party! WOOF WOOF WOOF!
Roz: Where the MEN at!
Frasier: What are you two doing here?
Bulldog: Martin called us up and invited us over to party. Said he'd had ninety eight beers.
Frasier: Well he didn't know what he was doing! Get out!
Roz: I'm not leaving, I just got here.
Niles: I suppose you won't leave until a man pleasures you, harlot.
Roz: Hey, I'm resent that, I'm not some humping magnet!
(Eddie runs over and starts humping Roz's leg.)
Roz: I could get used to this!
(Frasier kicks them out.)
Niles: What a crazy night.
Frasier: I think things are going to be better with dad from here on out.
Niles: That's great...I need you to do something for me, brother.
Frasier: What's that?
Niles: I need you to hollow out a secret hidey-hole in Daphne's bedroom, covered by wallpaper, where I will be able to stand all night masturbating over her as I watch her sleep.
Frasier: Niles...that's sick.
Niles: I have needs, Frasier.
Frasier: I can't let you sexually assault Daphne!
Niles: I would never touch her! Only masturbation. My one vice. And if she would happen to wake up one night, see me wanking, believe it to be a dream and be into it...that is just nature taking its course.
Frasier: I won't do it.
Niles: Oh, but you will. Or I'll tell dad your big secret.
Frasier: You wouldn't!
Niles: I would.
Frasier: ...okay, I'll do it. You bastard. I've hared you since you were born.
Niles: I know, but I own you now, big brother. You will do whatever I ask of you. Otherwise, I'll tell dad everything. I'll tell him that YOU were the one who shot him in the hip.
(Niles walks out, smiling and aroused. Frasier drops to his knees.)
Frasier: NIIIIILES!!!!!!!
Martin: Arrest that fucker! And rough him up!
(He is watching a cop movie where some cops are arresting drug dealers.)
Frasier: Dad, "roughing up" criminals does not reduce crime figures, statistics show...
Martin: Well, shoot them in the head then! That'll reduce crime figures!
Frasier: Dad! You can't seriously be suggesting executing citizens on the street without trial!
Martin: Oh lighten up you fucking BLEEDING HEART, it's only a movie. Why don't you go read your book in your bedroom.
Frasier: It is my home, I'll read where i choose to!
(Eddie jumps up on the couch and starts humping Frasier's book.)
Martin: Hahahaha, good boy, hump the shit out of that book! God, I wish I'd never been shot in the hip so I didn't have to look at you, Frasier.
Frasier: Dad, I think you're drinking too much...
(Camera pans to show A HUNDRED empty beer cans on the floor next to Martin.)
Marin: I have to drink to tolerate this LIVING HELL. God, I wish I was out on the street shooting criminals, manhandling hookers, scaring hippies...
Frasier: It's not that bad here, surely. I did hire that nice English girl to look after you.
(Daphne enters. Smoke is from the kitchen.)
Daphne: Ooooh, Doctor Crane, I just burned me toad in the hole! I can't handle your new fangled American cooking appliances! Back in Manchester, we just throw our food on the open flame and pull them off again with our bare hands when they're done!
Frasier: Daphne, you're going to burn down my apartment!
(He runs into the kitchen. Daphne watches tv with Martin for a moment.)
Daphne: What's this pile of old bollocks you're watching, then.
Martin: Just a movie about a cop who's HAD IT UP TO HERE with the damn rules so he's going around shooting criminals in the neck. Do you even have movies in England?
Daphne: 'ere, of course we do! We call them "THE PICTURES", of course. And it takes a few years for the films to come out over there. We just got Star Wars last year. I can't wait to visit home next year to watch the sequel!
Martin: What, where Darth Vader turns out to be Luke's father?
Daphne: You rotten old sod, you've spoiled it, you 'ave!
(Daphne punches Martin in his bad hip. Martin winces in pain then flies into a rage. He stands up, brandishing his cane, preparing to swing it at Daphne...)
Martin: My old cop buddies will cover up your death for me...
(Niles walks in through the front door. Studio audience cheer wildly.)
Niles: Dad, what are you doing to that enchanting woman!
Martin: ...what am I doing.
(Martin drops his cane and drops to the floor, weeping.)
Martin: What have I become!!!!
(Daphne runs over to Niles and hugs him.)
Daphne: Ooooh, Doctor Crane, I was so scared, I was! Reminded me of when that awful Maggie Thatcher came to me home town and shot all the miners!
Niles: Well you're safe in my arms...
(Martin continues to weep on the floor.)
Daphne: Shouldn't you go and check on your dad?
Niles He'll be fine!
(Martin starts choking on his own tears. Frasier walks back in from the kitchen.)
Frasier: Dad!
(Frasier helps Martin up.)
Martin: I'm sorry, son, I love you really! I'll stop having Eddie hump all your food before Daphne serves it.
Frasier: I love you too, dad! Niles, get over here for this rare moment of fatherly affection!
Niles: Daphne needs me.
Daphne: I'm okay, Doctor Care, go be with your family. I wish I'd spent more time with me mum before she died from all those stab wounds...
Niles: I thought your mother was still alive?
Daphne: Oh...that must have been a beautiful dream I had about her bleeding out while I watched...
(Daphne leaves. The Crane boys put Martin to bed. Suddenly, the door flies open again. Roz and Bulldog come in.)
Bulldog: Hello, sportsfans! I'm here to party! WOOF WOOF WOOF!
Roz: Where the MEN at!
Frasier: What are you two doing here?
Bulldog: Martin called us up and invited us over to party. Said he'd had ninety eight beers.
Frasier: Well he didn't know what he was doing! Get out!
Roz: I'm not leaving, I just got here.
Niles: I suppose you won't leave until a man pleasures you, harlot.
Roz: Hey, I'm resent that, I'm not some humping magnet!
(Eddie runs over and starts humping Roz's leg.)
Roz: I could get used to this!
(Frasier kicks them out.)
Niles: What a crazy night.
Frasier: I think things are going to be better with dad from here on out.
Niles: That's great...I need you to do something for me, brother.
Frasier: What's that?
Niles: I need you to hollow out a secret hidey-hole in Daphne's bedroom, covered by wallpaper, where I will be able to stand all night masturbating over her as I watch her sleep.
Frasier: Niles...that's sick.
Niles: I have needs, Frasier.
Frasier: I can't let you sexually assault Daphne!
Niles: I would never touch her! Only masturbation. My one vice. And if she would happen to wake up one night, see me wanking, believe it to be a dream and be into it...that is just nature taking its course.
Frasier: I won't do it.
Niles: Oh, but you will. Or I'll tell dad your big secret.
Frasier: You wouldn't!
Niles: I would.
Frasier: ...okay, I'll do it. You bastard. I've hared you since you were born.
Niles: I know, but I own you now, big brother. You will do whatever I ask of you. Otherwise, I'll tell dad everything. I'll tell him that YOU were the one who shot him in the hip.
(Niles walks out, smiling and aroused. Frasier drops to his knees.)
Frasier: NIIIIILES!!!!!!!