What's new
Troll Kingdom

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Dr Dave in "The Case Of The Deadly Kittens"

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Of all the spectacular adventures I had with my friend, the world's only consulting detective Dr Dave, perhaps none was more singular than what became known as the Case of the Deadly Kittens. To begin we must go back to one of the darkest times in my life. The time when I most doubted my dear friend Dr Dave. The time when he was on trial for the murder of seventeen nuns.

I was serving as his lawyer, though it was an impossible task. He refused to defend himself. He refused to give any explanation for his actions. As he stood trial in the court of Judge Mayonnaise, the only thing I could do was call character witnesses to speak on his behalf. I began with our old friend Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard.

"Have you ever known a finer man than detective Dr Dave?" I asked him.

"A finer man I have never known!" he replied, proudly.

"A finer man he has never known!" I repeated to the jury. "And do you have any cause to believe that he would ever murder seventeen nuns?"

"No!" said inspector Tomtrek.

"No cause to believe!" I repeated to the jury.

"Well..." said Tomtrek, after thinking for a moment. "There is..."

"NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!" I said, quickly. But Judge Mayonnaise was wise to my tricks.

"Finish your statement!" he ordered Tomtrek.

"There is the time I...witness him murdering seventeen nuns. The seventeen nuns he's on trial for murdering today. I was there, remember, Wackson? We were having ice cream and then we witnessed Dr Dave murdering seventeen nuns."

There was a long pause. The jury stared at me. I looked at Dr Dave for help, but he was staring forward blankly, at the tv screen that was set up at the back of the court. It had been earlier used to play video of him setting fire to the seventeen nuns while Tomtrek and I ate ice cream in the background. I had to admit it hadn't made any of us look good. Dr Dave hadn't taken his eyes off the screen since then.

"I call my next witness!" I said. "Dear old Missmanners, Dr Dave's housekeeper!"

"Hello, Wackson!" she said, getting into the witness stand. "Cookie?"

"Not just now! Have you ever had a finer man stay in your house than Dr Dave?"

"Never!" she said.

"Never a man finer!" I said to the jury.

"That's not an exact quote!" she said.

"This is going badly enough already, just let me continue!" I said. "And do you have any reason to believe that he would ever murder seventeen nuns?"

"Well," she said, thinking about it. "There was the fact that early in the morning of the day of the murders he'd told me that he planned to use fire to murder seventeen nuns! At the time I thought it was a pun, but..."

"CASE DISMISSED!" I said, panicking. But it did not fool the wily Judge Mayonnaise.

"Jury have you reached a verdict?" he said, even though they hadn't even been sent to deliberate.

"We have!" said the foreperson.

"What see THEE!"

"We find Dr Dave...GUILTY!"

Then suddenly the lights went off in the court room and I heard laughter. For a moment I thought Dr Dave had gone insane and it was he that was laughing. But then I heard the voice. A voice I hadn't heard for years...

"Did you miss me?" it asked.

And then his face appeared on the tv screen. Everyone in the courtroom gasped.

It was the face of the Chinaman.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
The Chinaman's face disappeared. A chill fell over the courtroom. Then shocked whisperings. Then people crying out in fear. "Not the Chinaman!" they cried. "He's a blighter!"

"ORDER, ORDER!" said Judge Mayonnaise, banging his gavel down. "Dr Dave HAS been found guilty..."

"No!" I said.

"HOWEVER!" added Judge Mayonnaise. "I would like to ask Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard a question. Inspector, who is the ONE MAN that can defeat the Chinaman?"

"Why, the man who defeated the Chinaman before!" said Tomtrek, excited. "Dr Dave himself!"

"Then I have no choice!" said Judge Mayonnaise. "I am DISMISSING all charges against Dr Dave! As you are the only man who can stop the RETURN of the Chinaman, you will NOT face justice for the brutal murder of seventeen nuns. Go free, Dr Dave! Go free AND STOP THAT CHINAMAN!"

Everyone in the court erupted with cheers. A smile broke out on Dr Dave's face at last.

"I shall bally well try my hardest!" he said.

"Hang on!" I said. "He murdered seventeen nuns! He's been found guilty! You can't let him walk free just because the Chinaman is back! That makes no sense! No legal sense!"

"I'm confused, Wackson, aren't you Dr Dave's best friend and defense lawyer?" asked Judge Mayonnaise.

"Well...yeah," I said. "But still! I just can't believe...he's gone!"

Dr Dave was strolling out of the courtroom. Many people were congratulating him on beating the murder rap and telling him to stop that Chinaman. I ran after him.

"I don't understand what's happened!" I said.

"Follow, Wackson and step quick!" said Dr Dave. I followed him until we were back at his apartment. He then opened a trapdoor and we entered the secret underground tunnels we'd used in a previous adventure. We made our way to a small room. There was a woman inside. But not THE Woman. Not Miss Tisiphone Adler. This was someone different. Someone sassy. She was sitting by a computer.

"Wackson, may I introduce you to Sassy Lady Cassie, the finest computer hacker in all the land!" said Dr Dave.

"This is Wackson?" she said. "I thought he'd be taller." A sassier, more feisty, more spunky, more fiery woman I have never met than Sassy Lady Cassie.

"Who is this dame?" I asked.

"Why, she is responsible for the Chinaman appearing in court!" laughed Dr Dave.

"It was easy, really," she said. "I've hacked every computer in the world at one time or the other! I made him appear on the tv and made sure it was broadcast WORLDWIDE!"

"You're working with the Chinaman!?" I asked.

"Of course not!" said Dr Dave. "That was just Chinese Ken from the local chinese restaurant. Not the real Chinaman! He helped get me out of that jam."

"That...jam?" I said. It dawned on me at last. "Are you saying...are you saying you and this sassy girl arranged all this so that Judge Mayonnaise would let you go free?"

"We needed a threat only I could stop," said Dr Dave. "The Chinaman was perfect."

"But I was defending you!" I said.

"That's why I coudln't tell you the truth," said Dr Dave. "I needed you to enter a convincignly terribled defense, as I knew you would. You playe your part well, Wackson, my patsy!"

"But why!" I said.

"Well how else was I going to get away with brutally murdering seventeen nuns?" asked Dr Dave, looking slightly puzzled and annoyed.

I reared back and punched my friend square on his nose.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Don't stand for that, Dr Dave!" said Sassy Cassie.

"Close your mouth, wench!" I ordered. I could see nothing but a red rage. My friend, Dr Dave, the finest man I had ever known, was guilty of the brutal murder of seventeen nuns and some sassy modern woman had helped him get away with it. "I'll oughta punch him again, FULL FORCE!"

Dr Dave smiled. I was taken aback. It was the warm Dr Dave smile I knew and loved. "Oh Wackson, this is why I know and love you so," he said. "You're such a good, simple person."

"He seems to have a problem with women!" said Cassie.

"A healthy distrust of women is a part of any man's balanced mind!" said Dr Dave. "Wackson, you punching me like that is exactly why I needed you to play the part you played."

"Your words are sweet like honey," I said. "But you can't win me back around! You're a killer, Dr Dave, you should see justice!"

"First there's something YOU should see," said Dr Dave. "In another SPECIAL HIDDEN ROOM below this one!"

"I'll stay here and guard the computer!" said Cassie. Dr Dave nodded. He pulled back the carpet revealing another trapdoor. He opened it and started to climb down. I glared at Cassie.

"You turned him evil with your womanly ways, didn't you!" I accused. She laughed and shook her breasts at me.

"Watch out, Wackson, or I'll use my tits to turn you into a serial killer, MOFO!" I shuddered and followed Dr Dave down below.

"Where did you find that awful woman?" I asked.

"She has her uses," said Dr Dave. We were climbing down a long ladder. Finally we came to another door. Dr Dave gave a SPECIAL KNOCK. The door opened. He made his way in. For a moment I didn't follow. Could I still trust him, even after all he'd done? Killing seventeen nuns and even worse making friends with a sassy temptress? What if he had taken me down here to kill me? But I still felt some loyalty to him and followed him inside...

The seventeen dead nuns were in the room. All very much alive.

"Yay, you came to visit us, Uncle Dr Dave!" said a busy eighteen year old nun, running over to give him a hug. Dr Dave actually smiled.

"I brought a friend! This is Wackson!" he said.

"Hi Mister Wackson!" said another pretty nun. "Weren't you eating strawberry ice cream while Uncle Dr Dave pretended to murder us?"

"It was vanilla ice cream," I corrected. "And what do you mean PRETENDED!?"

"Oh Wackson, haven't you figured it out yet?" asked Dr Dave. "They were all wearing FIREPROOF nun outfits when I burned them! In the confusion and with all the smoke and people crying "MURDERER!!!" I snuck them away in a secret underground railway!"

"By gosh!" I said. "Then...I punched you for nothing!"

"Oh Wackson, forget that," said Dr Dave. "I needed you to believe I had killed them, you see, so that when it went to trial I'd have no chance of being found not guilty and the enemies of the nuns would believe them to be truly deceased. That's why I needed Cassie, so I could walk away a free man while still having the world believe I was a nun killer."

"But who would want to hurt these sweet, sexy nuns!?" I asked.

"I don't know," said Dr Dave. "Remember, we were called to the nunnery by the Mother Superior, but found her DEAD when we got there?"

"No, I'd gone off to get ice cream with Tomtrek," I said.

"Well, turns out she wasn't quite dead," explained Dr Dave. "She told me that someone had been trying to kill her nuns and that they would stop at NOTHING to do so and the only way to protect them would be to fake their brutal murder. She also started to tell me about an IMPORTANT SECRET regarding the nuns but then she died before she could finish."

"They always die before they can finish!" I said. "What are we going to do now?"

"Well, I know what I'm going to do now...get an ice pack for my nose! You punch like a man, Wackson!"

And we all had a good hearty laugh.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
We were up in Dr Dave's kitchen now. He was holding a COLD STEAK to his nose.

"Luck you had a cold steak in the fridge!" I said.

"Oh Wackson," he said. "I bought this steak in advance. I knew you'd punch me on the nose at some point."

"Why couldn't you just tell me the truth?" I asked. "Why was it so important that I be angry at you?"

"So that the world would believe the nuns dead," he said, sincerely. "You are the finest man I know, Wackson. If there had been a way to do this without lying to you, I would have found it."

I was taken aback by this. The finest man he knew? He knew AT LEAST two hundred men. I walked over to the window. I saw photographers outside.

"The paps are back!" I said. They often appeared at Dr Dave's window, hoping to snap a pic of the world's greatest detective. Sometimes he'd dress up as a fireman and stand at the window, just to give them something to talk about. "DR DAVE IN FREAKY FIREMAN FETISH!" was the headline on a newspaper one day. Dr Dave just laughed at it. He said if his opponents thought him a clown they'd underestimate him.

"You better keep up the charade, Wackson," warned Dr Dave. "Pretend to still be angry wtih me. But not SO angry that you can't work with me to bring down the Chinaman!"

It was quite an acting challenge. I shook my fist a bit. Dr Dave made sure to let the paps see that he was holding a cold steak to his nose. They got the idea.

"DID YOU LAMP 'IM ONE, WACKSON?" shouted one.

"Be gone, vultures!" I said in return, my standard reply to the paps.

"Excellent!" said Dr Dave.

"How are we going to fake stopping the Chinaman?" I asked.

"Oh, Cassie will continue cyber-attacking the world using his identity. Eventually we'll claim to have stopped him and she'll cyber-hug the world so they know the threat is over. But that won't be for some time. We need the distraction to find out who wants to kill those nice nuns!"

"Do you have any leads?"

"Well, there is one obvious one. I'm sure you noticed it..."

"Humour me!" I had not noticed it, of course.

"Well, the way all the women looked. They all looked the same!"

"All women look the same after a while," I said. It was something I had found.

"But not EXACTLY the same, Wackson! I believe those seventeen nuns...ARE CLONE NUNS!"

"Great Scott!" I ejaculated.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Dr Dave and I headed to the nunnery. We found that the place had been ransacked.

"Of course," said Dr Dave, nodding sagely at the ransacking. "I expected enough."

"Has someone been looking for something?" I asked.

"That is the general purpose of a ransacking, Watson," said Dr Dave. I felt ashamed. Sometimes I was so slow.

"Could they have been looking for evidence that the nuns are still allive?" I whispered. I hoped this would convince Dr Dave of my intelligence again.

"No, the seventeen bodies I left in their place were convincing enough to fool anyone," said Dr Dave, unconcerned.

"Where did you get those seventeen bodies anyway?" I asked.

"Oh, they were just seventeen young women who recently died in fires," said Dr Dave. "I employ spies in every morgue in the land in case I ever need quick access to dead bodies. I had them flown down when it became clear I would have to pretend to burn the nuns to death."

"Won't they have families who miss them?" I asked, shocked.

"Meh," said Dr Dave. "I can't worry about little things like that when there are lives at stake. Now, if I know nuns like I think I do, there will be a strong box hidden underneath one of these floorboarsds..."

He walked around for a minute, checking every floorboard in the room. Then he smiled and pulled one back. There was a strong box underneath.

"It's lucky the ransackers don't know nuns like you do!" I said.

"That could be a clue, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "Very good reasoning. You've come along leaps and bounds!" I blushed.

"What's in the strong box?" I asked.

"Not much," said Dr Dave. "Some photos of the seventeen nuns as babies - even then they were identical - an erotic novel, every nun has one hidden somewhere...hmm. A name and an address."

"Oh," I said, feeling excited by this news. A lead!

"I remember this name..." said Dr Dave. "Doctor Bacon. Do you remember, Wackson?"

"Why, it was one of those news stories you had me read to you!" I said. Sometimes on a Sunday morning Dr Dave would relax in his easy chair smoking his pipe while I read interesting news stories to him from the day's newspapers. "He was involved in HUMAN CLONING!"

"A CLEAR LINK!" said Dr Dave. "A little TOO clear, perhaps, but it's obvious our next step will be visiting this Doctor Bacon. Except...as I recall from the story, he'd been kicked out of the profession of doctor due to his sick experiments. He's just Harold Bacon now."

I shuddered. "Do you think he's the villain who killed the Mother Superior?" I asked.

"TOO SOON TO SAY," bellowed Dr Dave. "Now, I better take all these items, even the filthy erotic novel, with us. Let us go, Wackson. To Harold Bacon's home!"

But when we left we found someone waiting for us. None other than FBI Parte Due, ACE reporter.

"Funny that you should returns here!" he said, sticking his tape recorder rudely in Dr Dave's face. "You're supposed to be stopping the Chinaman from being annoying on tv screens, not returning to the site where you murdered seventeen nuns!"

"No comment," said Dr Dave. "That's all you'll get from me, you rat. You vulture!"

"Which one is it?" asked FBI. "I need to know your official stance on what kind of animal I am!"

"The Chinaman WILL be stopped soon," I said, stepping between them. Ace reporters always made Dr Dave's blood boil. "You should not question Dr Dave's methods."

"I question his morals, not his methods!" said FBI.

"You young whippersnapper!" said Dr Dave. "I should thrash you, soundly."

"I guess you can get away with anything now that the Chinaman is back..." said FBI, with a cruel smile. He left that comment dangling, then walked away. Strangely, Dr Dave was smiling.

"A sharp child," he said. "I hope we can turn him to our cause, because if FBI chooses the path of evil...a formidible enemy will he be."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
We drove in the Davemobile to Harold Bacon's home. I turned on the radio and heard a report of The Chinaman stealing one million pounds from the Queen's bank account.

"Sassy Cassie's work?" I asked, still feeling a little bitterness as I spoke her name.

"Everyone will still be focused on the Chinaman if they think he's pulling stunts like this," said Dr Dave. "Besides, the Queen won't miss that million pounds. We'll put it to good uses solving crimes!"

We arrived at Harold Bacon's home. Dr Dave knocked his door. A good solid knock. No one answered.

"I guess he's not home," I said. "Maybe he took his own life after you killed the nuns before he could!"

"It's true that sometimes men tate their own lives when I beat them to a kill," nodder Dr Dave. "But I don't think this is what has happened here. In fact I just heard a nose inside. Like some tiny feet walking...I'll open the door with my lock-picking umbrella."

"A handy tool!" I said for no reason.

Dr Dave soon got the door open. "Careful, Wackson," he said as we stepped in. "I sense...something. A presence I have not felt since..."

We entered the house. It was dark. I thought I saw something moving in the shadows.

"Harold Bacon, face us like a man!" said Dr Dave. There was a hissing sound...and then a cat pounced.

"By pants!" I said. "Cats!" For there was more than one. We were surrounded by the beasts.

"That's what I sensed!" said Dr Dave. "I haven't felt that feeling since we visited that cat shop! Careful, Wackson. They could be...deadly."

But soon it became clear that there was no real danger. The cats hissing a bit but mostly just walked around rubbing against our legs. I even petted one.

"Aww, who's a nice silly kitty!" I said, getting carried away. "You are! Yes you are!"

"It can't understand you, Wackson," said Dr Dave, coldly. He had no love for cats. He was friends with a dog named Toby. Suddenly the lights came on.

"Damn it," said Harold Bacon. "I knew I should have trained them since they were kittens. Trained them to be a DEADLY kittens. But I didn't. A fool I am!"

"Hello, Harold," said Dr Dave. "We're here to talk about your cloning activities."

"Cloing?" said Harold. "I haven't done that in years, not since I was kicked out of science for doing some HARMLESS experiments on homeless people!"

"No?" said Dr Dave. "Funny that all these cats are identical. Funny, also, that there are SEVENTEEN of them."

"The same numer as the crispy nuns!" I said.

"GRRR!" said Bacon, when I mentioned them. "YES, these cats are clones, okay? What more do you want. The nuns are dead, there's nothing more to be said."

"It must have hurt you, not being able to kill them yourself after you killed the Mother Superior," said Dr Dave. Bacon looked genuinely baffled by this.

"I didn't kill the Mother Superior and I would never kill them!" he said. "They were my...my..."

"Children?" offered Dr Dave. Bacon nodded sadly.

"I don't understand," I said. "If you didn't kill the Mother Superior and if you weren't planning to kill the nuns...what is your roll in all this?"

"Making the world a better place," said Harold Bacon. "Have either of you ever heard...of the HIVE MIND PROJECT?"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"No," I said.

"No," said Dr Dave, disinterested, playing with a cat. Strange, as he hated the animals. "But I suspect it'll be disappointing, much like these cats clones."

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY CATS!" roared Bacon.

"They are dim-witted and slow," said Dr Dave, before cruelly pushing away the cat he'd been playing with. "This one couldn't even keep up with my play. They should be burned."

"Dr Dave, that's TOO MUCH!" I said.

"Ha!" said Bacon. "You think I bred these cats for their cat brains? These were the first creatures I ever cloned, before even..." He stopped himself.

"Before the nuns," said Dr Dave. "I know you created them, Bacon."

"But those nuns are at least eighteen years old," I said, thinking mildly of their young, nubile, but at least eighteen year old bodies. "These cats don't look that old! Most cats that age would be even slower and even more dim-witted than these!"

"EXACTLY!" said Bacon, almost cackling like a maniac now. "These cats are thirty years old! I cloned them as an early test of my cloning machine! Then I began work on the hive mind project and, twelve years later, cloned the nuns..."

"Interesting, at last," said Dr Dave. "Maybe you do have some skills as a cloner. But this hive mind project. I deduce it wasn an attempt to have all seventeen nun clones think as one, so that they could solve problems no one mind could."

"YES!" said Bacon. "You understand! These nuns...when they think as one they are POWERFUL! More powerful than you, Mister Famous Detective! Together they can do anything! Seventeen minds, working as one! They would solve all the world's problems! HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"So why give them to the Mother Superior?" I asked.

"The FEDS were on my case!" said Bacon. "They claimed human cloning was illegal!"

"It is," said Dr Dave.

"Then it should be more illegal!" said Bacon. "I had to hide my nuns until they were grown up, so I sold them like cattle to the nunnery with an agreement that they would be returned to me...except when the time came the Mother Superior wouldn't give them up!"

"And why not?" said Dr Dave. "What were you going to do with them?"

"NOTHING!" said Bacon. "Just, you know, lock them in their thinking pods. You see their hive mind needs a lot of concentration to work. They can't use it just walking around like normal people. They have to be locked up in their thinking pods, with no outside stimulus of any kind, for it to work. Yes, it's true they would be essentially enslaved...but think of the benefits for the world!"

"So you murdered the Mother Superior to get them back," I said, putting the pieces together.

"No!" he said. "I arrived at her office to see her, but found someone there already, murdering her! And the NAME of that person is..."

Suddenly a shot rang out and Bacon fell dead.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"What the chips!" I said, looking around, startled, as Bacon's body lay at my feet. Dr Dave was strangely calm. "Get down, chum, there could be more shots!" I said.

"I think not," said Dr Dave, leaning forward to exaim Bacon's body. "Why shoot just once at Bacon and not take us out as well? This assassin was only aiming for him, Wackson. He has no interest in killing us. A clue, perhaps. Could he be someone who likes us?"

"Or SHE!" I said, having subscribed to the Everyday Sexism tumblr. "The killer could be some kind of female assassin! Maybe it was CASSIE herself! How can you trust her..."

"Hush, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "I just heard the sound of a motorbike speeding away. My car can't keep up wtih motorbike speeds, so the killer has truly slipped through our fingers. Still, sometimes it's best not to be too hasty. What can we learn from Bacon's slaying?"

"It has confounded me!" I admitted. "He told some cock and bull story about another killer..."

"Then was SHOT right as he was about to name that killer," said Dr Dave. "Indicating that the story was TRUE!"

"But how could the killer have known," I said. "Unless...good heavens, Dr Dave, are we looking for a killer with super human hearing!? Some kind of MUTANT!?"

"No, Wackson, that would be ridiculous," said Dr Dave, coldly. "But maybe a killer with TECHNOLOGY that GRANTS them better than ordinary hearing. Most intriguing. Come, we must get back to my flat and see how Cassie is doing with the whole fake Chinaman situation."

"What about Bacon?" I asked. "Are we just going to leave his body here, to be gnawed by his cats?"

"It's not less than he deserves," said Dr Dave, with disdain. "He was planning to use those beautiful, sweet, attractive young nuns as a super computer. Lock them up in pods. He says it was for the greater good. Well I say being eaten by cats is ALSO for the greater good! Of the cats! Now, away!"

We drove back to Dr Dave's flat. The media cricus seemed to have died down. I turned on the radio and found that the Chinaman had been "spotted" at London Zoo, feeding penguins to other penguins in an effort to create killer cannibal penguins. I had to admit Cassie was a clever girl for pulling that off. All the press would be Lodon Zoo now.

But suddenly there was a flash. Someone had took a photo of me and Dr Dave. Someone who was hiding behind some bins!

"There, behind the bins!" I said, helpfully. Dr Dave quickly opened his umbrella as someone sprang up from behind the bins.

"Back off or I'll SHOOT!" came a voice.

"It's the shooter!" I said. "The Bacon slayer!"

The next few moments were a blur. Dr Dave quickly closed his umbrella and placed its end on the ground, then pivoted off of it, launching himself in a flying kick at the man who had been behind the bins...FBI Parte Due!

"Ouch, you kicked me!" said FBI.

"You were going to shoot us, you villain!" I said.

"Yeah, with my camera!" said FBI Parte Due, ace reporter. "I thought you two were holding hands and I finally had the proof that you are homosexuals! But now I say Dr Dave was just holding an umbrella and you a burger."

"I like burgers!" I said, taking a bite. "And I'm no homosexual! Not that there's anything wrong with being one! Why, if Dr Dave WAS one I'd be so comfortable with it that I'd kiss him right on his bally mouth!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top