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Dirk Benedict's playing Columbo!

I bet Cleo will turn up after a show in his dressing room naked (except for a pink bob wig) and goes insane when he tells her to leave...



Cleo: Oh Dirky, I know you want me, but you CAN'T have me!

Dirk: What the fu... ?

*Cleo jumps on Dirk and wraps her legs around his waist*

Cleo: Oh, no, unhand me you beast! You can't have my body, Dirky, you just can't.

Dirk: I don't WANT yer goddamn body, now get the fuck outta here!

*Cleo starts nibbling his ears*

Cleo: Oh Dirky, Dirky, Dirky, maybe in another time and another place, but you've got to learn I'm just not right for you...

Dirk: You can say that again.

Dirk puts a cigar in his mouth and lights it, Cleo still clinging on to him.

Cleo [coughing]: Oh Dirky, if only I weren't married to Kenny and you weren't married to your job! Maybe we could be together!

Dirk: Kenny? That dead gay guy?

Cleo: He wasn't gay. It was only for show... he... he LOVED ME! WHY WOULD YOU TELL SUCH LIES IF YOU REALLY CARED FOR ME!?

Dirk: Newsflash, I DON'T! I don't care if I ever see you OR your middle aged cleavage EVER AGAIN!

*Cleo jumps down off of Dirk*

Cleo [banging on door]: Stop shouting at me you monster!! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP HE'S GOT ME TRAPPED IN HERE!

Dirk: I don't have you tra... [exasperated] THE DOOR'S UNLOCKED YOU CRAZY BITCH!!

*Cleo starts shitting into her hands and eating it*

Dirk: See, when I said women were too weak minded and feeble to hack it in the entertainment biz, did anybody listen? No, they made out that I was some kind of crusty old "misogynist". Well the jokes on them, huh?!

*a big piece of poop flies at Dirk, but gets lodged on the end of his cigar*

Dirk: Fuck this shit, I'm outta here!
 
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