CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Gwen is walking down the street with her fat boyfriend. A mysterious SHADOW passes behind them.)
Gwen: 'ere, what were that?
Boyfriend: I didn't see anything, love!
Gwen: I saw something, I did!
Boyfriend: You've had too much cocaine, I think!
(The shadow JUMPS OUT of the shadows and EATS Gwen's boyfriend with SHADOW TEETH.)
Gwen: OH 'ECK!
Jack: ...AND CUT!
(Suddenly everything disappears but Gwen. Jack is standing next to her. They are in a big empty room. It looks a lot like the holodeck from TNG, to be honest.)
Gwen: That wasn't fair, how could I have stopped a shadow!
Jack: Your boyfriend DIED, Gwen!
Gwen: 'ere, it's only a holo-matic training programme, WHY SO SERIOUS?
Jack: Because those things are out there, Gwen. Shadow monsters. AND MORE. Water monsters. Brick monsters. TOAST MONSTERS.
Gwen: Alright, alright, but how could I have stopped him?
Jack: What is the one thing shadows are scared of?
Gwen: Uhh...sunlight?
Jack: EXACTLY! You could have stopped it with sunlight!
Gwen: But it was night! There was no light!
Jack: Oh no? What about the brightest light of all?
Gwen: What's that?
Jack: THE LIGHT OF THE HUMAN SOUL.
Gwen: Ooooh!
(Opening credits. Tosh, Xianto and Owen are in the hub or whatever it's called.)
Tosh: Jack's been in the holo-matic training room with Gwen for a long time
Owen: Yeah, I built that room using ALIEN TECHNOLOGY, I should get to use it!
Xianto: How did you build it so quickly anyway?
Owen: Uhh...just did.
Xianto: If I didn't know better I'd say an army of WEEVILS helped you!
Owen: Haha.
Tosh: Haha!
Xianto: HAHA!
Owen: HAHAHA-FUCKING-HA!
(Owen storms away.)
Xianto: What's wrong wtih his ass?
Tosh: Needs a good seeing to, I reckon.
Xinato: I hope not! Jack's willy is mine alone!
Tosh: Jack's willy will never be tied down.
(Suddenly, the room starts shaking.)
Tosh: What was that!?
(Jack and Gwen run over.)
Jack: What's going on?
Xianto: Where were you two, shagging?
Jack: No! WHAT'S GOING ON?
Tosh: The room starting shaking!
Gwen: 'ere!
(Owen comes back in.)
Owen: Hello, my dear friends.
Jack: What's going on?
Owen: Don't know.
Tosh: ...why is everyone talking weird? I mean, weirder than normal?
(Suddenly, a SECOND Jack and Gwen run into the room, looking all desperate.)
Second Jack: Don't trust them! They're holo-matic doubles, come to life!
Jack: No we're not. WHAT'S GOING ON?
Gwen: 'ere!
Second Gwen: I don't talk like that!
Xianto: Owen, you fool, your holo-matic room is malfunctioing!
Owen: Oh shit!
(A T-REX runs out of the holo-matic room and chases them all through Torchwood. For about five minutes.)
Second Jack: RUN FASTER!
Jack: What's going on?
Second Jack: You're...you're really alive, aren't you? You've just become sentient and you're confused. That's why you keep asking what's going on.
Jack: What's going on?
Second Jack: You're so beautiful. I can see my own inner beauty, reflected in you.
Jack: What's going...on?
(Second Jack kisses the holo Jack.)
Jack: Fuck that was hot!
Second Jack: I gave you life!
(Suddenly, the t-rex swoops round and EATS the holo Jack!)
Second Jack: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Gwen: 'ere!
Second Jack: I gave him life!
Second Gwen: We have to leave him, Jack...he's only a holo-matic character!
Second Jack: No! I thought that at first, but these last five minutes, running around...they're alive Gwen, just like us! They have LIFE!
(Suddenly, the T-rex, the dead Jack and the holo Gwen DISAPPEAR.)
Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Owen: I turned off the holo-matic centre.
Jack: YOU MONSTER! YOU KILLED THEM, OWEN!
Owen: They can't survive outside the holo-matic centre for longer than five minutes anyway. Unless...
Jack: Unless what!? I'll do ANYTHING to bring him back!
Owen: You have to let him have your boyd.
Jack: Done!
Xianto: But you'll die!
Tosh: You can't die!
Gwen: Not you!
Owen: Let him make up his own mind!
Jack: I...I...
Owen: DO IT!
Gwen: Owen! If you convince Jack to kill himself so that a holo-matic character can have his body...then I won't shag you again!
Owen: Okay, don't do it.
Jack: I won't.
Gwen: YAY!
Jack: BUT ONLY BECAUSE life is precious. Life is like light. It shines on in all of us. His light has went out. But it will always shine on. In all of us.
Gwen: ...uhh, sure.
Xianto: Hey, can we use the holo-matic room for sex?
Owen: That's why I built the thing!
Xinato: Come on Tosh, we'll fuck the cast of Corrie in there!
Tosh: No, Eastenders is best! Put Grant Mitchell to the test!
Owen: I, uhh...need to make sure no more characters escape first. By myself.
Xianto: Okay!
Gwen: Well hurry up then so we can go on shagging behind my fat boyfriend's back!
Jack: Let's just hope there's no shadow monsters watching!
(Everyone laughs. Owen goest to the holo room himself and calls ALAN DALE.)
Owen: My master...I have failed you again.
Dale: I am disappointed, my slave.
Owen: It was Gwen again...said she'd stop shagging me if Jack died.
Dale: Perhaps I should have sprayed you with the homosexuality spray after all!
Owen: NO! I'd die if I was all the way gay. I must be bi, I must be!
Dale: Okay, okay! Still, we must find another way for you to kill Jack.
Owen: Perhaps the Weevil army? They built the holo-matic room to my specifications.
Dale: No, that's not subtle enough.
Owen: Perhaps I could poison him?
Dale: Now you've got it!
Owen: I'm getting hard just thinking about it! But wait, he can't die.
Dale: Can't he? Not even if the poision...IS FROM THE FUTURE?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC.)
Gwen: 'ere, what were that?
Boyfriend: I didn't see anything, love!
Gwen: I saw something, I did!
Boyfriend: You've had too much cocaine, I think!
(The shadow JUMPS OUT of the shadows and EATS Gwen's boyfriend with SHADOW TEETH.)
Gwen: OH 'ECK!
Jack: ...AND CUT!
(Suddenly everything disappears but Gwen. Jack is standing next to her. They are in a big empty room. It looks a lot like the holodeck from TNG, to be honest.)
Gwen: That wasn't fair, how could I have stopped a shadow!
Jack: Your boyfriend DIED, Gwen!
Gwen: 'ere, it's only a holo-matic training programme, WHY SO SERIOUS?
Jack: Because those things are out there, Gwen. Shadow monsters. AND MORE. Water monsters. Brick monsters. TOAST MONSTERS.
Gwen: Alright, alright, but how could I have stopped him?
Jack: What is the one thing shadows are scared of?
Gwen: Uhh...sunlight?
Jack: EXACTLY! You could have stopped it with sunlight!
Gwen: But it was night! There was no light!
Jack: Oh no? What about the brightest light of all?
Gwen: What's that?
Jack: THE LIGHT OF THE HUMAN SOUL.
Gwen: Ooooh!
(Opening credits. Tosh, Xianto and Owen are in the hub or whatever it's called.)
Tosh: Jack's been in the holo-matic training room with Gwen for a long time
Owen: Yeah, I built that room using ALIEN TECHNOLOGY, I should get to use it!
Xianto: How did you build it so quickly anyway?
Owen: Uhh...just did.
Xianto: If I didn't know better I'd say an army of WEEVILS helped you!
Owen: Haha.
Tosh: Haha!
Xianto: HAHA!
Owen: HAHAHA-FUCKING-HA!
(Owen storms away.)
Xianto: What's wrong wtih his ass?
Tosh: Needs a good seeing to, I reckon.
Xinato: I hope not! Jack's willy is mine alone!
Tosh: Jack's willy will never be tied down.
(Suddenly, the room starts shaking.)
Tosh: What was that!?
(Jack and Gwen run over.)
Jack: What's going on?
Xianto: Where were you two, shagging?
Jack: No! WHAT'S GOING ON?
Tosh: The room starting shaking!
Gwen: 'ere!
(Owen comes back in.)
Owen: Hello, my dear friends.
Jack: What's going on?
Owen: Don't know.
Tosh: ...why is everyone talking weird? I mean, weirder than normal?
(Suddenly, a SECOND Jack and Gwen run into the room, looking all desperate.)
Second Jack: Don't trust them! They're holo-matic doubles, come to life!
Jack: No we're not. WHAT'S GOING ON?
Gwen: 'ere!
Second Gwen: I don't talk like that!
Xianto: Owen, you fool, your holo-matic room is malfunctioing!
Owen: Oh shit!
(A T-REX runs out of the holo-matic room and chases them all through Torchwood. For about five minutes.)
Second Jack: RUN FASTER!
Jack: What's going on?
Second Jack: You're...you're really alive, aren't you? You've just become sentient and you're confused. That's why you keep asking what's going on.
Jack: What's going on?
Second Jack: You're so beautiful. I can see my own inner beauty, reflected in you.
Jack: What's going...on?
(Second Jack kisses the holo Jack.)
Jack: Fuck that was hot!
Second Jack: I gave you life!
(Suddenly, the t-rex swoops round and EATS the holo Jack!)
Second Jack: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Gwen: 'ere!
Second Jack: I gave him life!
Second Gwen: We have to leave him, Jack...he's only a holo-matic character!
Second Jack: No! I thought that at first, but these last five minutes, running around...they're alive Gwen, just like us! They have LIFE!
(Suddenly, the T-rex, the dead Jack and the holo Gwen DISAPPEAR.)
Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Owen: I turned off the holo-matic centre.
Jack: YOU MONSTER! YOU KILLED THEM, OWEN!
Owen: They can't survive outside the holo-matic centre for longer than five minutes anyway. Unless...
Jack: Unless what!? I'll do ANYTHING to bring him back!
Owen: You have to let him have your boyd.
Jack: Done!
Xianto: But you'll die!
Tosh: You can't die!
Gwen: Not you!
Owen: Let him make up his own mind!
Jack: I...I...
Owen: DO IT!
Gwen: Owen! If you convince Jack to kill himself so that a holo-matic character can have his body...then I won't shag you again!
Owen: Okay, don't do it.
Jack: I won't.
Gwen: YAY!
Jack: BUT ONLY BECAUSE life is precious. Life is like light. It shines on in all of us. His light has went out. But it will always shine on. In all of us.
Gwen: ...uhh, sure.
Xianto: Hey, can we use the holo-matic room for sex?
Owen: That's why I built the thing!
Xinato: Come on Tosh, we'll fuck the cast of Corrie in there!
Tosh: No, Eastenders is best! Put Grant Mitchell to the test!
Owen: I, uhh...need to make sure no more characters escape first. By myself.
Xianto: Okay!
Gwen: Well hurry up then so we can go on shagging behind my fat boyfriend's back!
Jack: Let's just hope there's no shadow monsters watching!
(Everyone laughs. Owen goest to the holo room himself and calls ALAN DALE.)
Owen: My master...I have failed you again.
Dale: I am disappointed, my slave.
Owen: It was Gwen again...said she'd stop shagging me if Jack died.
Dale: Perhaps I should have sprayed you with the homosexuality spray after all!
Owen: NO! I'd die if I was all the way gay. I must be bi, I must be!
Dale: Okay, okay! Still, we must find another way for you to kill Jack.
Owen: Perhaps the Weevil army? They built the holo-matic room to my specifications.
Dale: No, that's not subtle enough.
Owen: Perhaps I could poison him?
Dale: Now you've got it!
Owen: I'm getting hard just thinking about it! But wait, he can't die.
Dale: Can't he? Not even if the poision...IS FROM THE FUTURE?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC.)
