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My Life In Hufflepuff

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story begins in 1996, during the book 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, when Harry, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley were in their sixth year at Hogwarts.)

"HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the Sorting Hat - so loud that absoutely everyone in the Great Hall could hear - before I'd even put it on properly. I sat there dumbly, waiting for it to say something else. It was, at that point, the worst moment of my life so far.

"I SAID HUFFLEPUFF! WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF" it said. There was laughter this time. I had a new worst moment of my life so far.

As I staggered up from the stool in a daze, I thought back to the best moment of my life. It wasn't when I first met Hagrid. That was pretty terrifying, actually. It wasn't when the hairy half-giant told me I was a wizard either, because I didn't believe him.

I grew up in the muggle wordl and had no idea about wizardry until that day Hagrid walked into my adopted parents' house and turned my life upside down. I had known I was adopted, my parents hadn't kept that a secret, I didn't even care, but I of course had no idea my real parents had been wizards, murdered by someone Hagrid would only call "he who cannot be named." I had grown up with what he called "muggle" parents, but now it was time for me to learn of my heritage and attend Hogwarts School of Wizardry. "You're just like 'arry Potter himself!" Hagrid said to me that day, as if it meant something to me.

I wasn't exactly like Potter, I'd later learn. My birthday came at the end of the school year, so I was nearly a full year older than the others boys in my class. Adding to that, somehow the Wizards had lost track of my adoption and it took them an extra year to find me. So, starting in my first year at Hogwarts I had just turneed thirteen and was now two years older than some of the other children in my year! But I'm getting ahead of myself, I was talking about the best moment of my life...

It was when I saw Hagrid fly on his motorcycle for the first time. THAT was when I knew everything he'd just told me about magic and wizards was true and he wasn't just some crazy old paedophile. That was when I knew life would never be the same again.

I had a month before the school year started. I studied everything I could find about Hogwarts and the wizarding world. I was fascinated by it. I read about the four great houses of Hogwarts. There was Gryffindor, of course. That one was my instant favourite. Only the most brave went there, the adventurers, the heroes. I could be one of them, I thought. Then there was Slytherin, for pure blood wizards. I'd qualify for sure, both my real parents being pure blood. Yet the idea of being assigned to Slytherin scared me a little. "He who cannot be named" had been in Slytherin...still, it also excited me a little, I have to admit. The idea of being a pure wizard, cunning, strong...I liked it. Then there was Ravenclaw. The smartest kids ended up there, and I was always one of the smartest at school. Logical, good at maths, I could easily end up in Ravenclaw. I would have prefered Gryffindor (or even Slytherin, I had to admit to myself) but I'd have been fine with Ravenclaw. Then there was Hufflepuff.

I laughed as I read the name. Hufflepuff? How GAY was that? And what kind of students ended up there? I read the Sorting Hat's song from the previous year. It included the line...

"Dear Hufflepuff, she took the rest and taught them all she knew."

It was for the rejects. "The rest". Only the losers ended up in Hufflepuff, the leftovers. I wasn't going to end up there. No way.

So there I was, back with the friends I'd made on the train to the school (I'll tell you a lot more about them later, I can assure you), numb with shock. Two boys, Mark Frostbite and Jimmy Brown, and one girls, Angelica Portman, who was too young for me to find attractive at this point (I was two years older, remember), but would grow up to be quite the beauty.

"Well," said Mark, laughing. "That was a turn-up for the books!" Mark had been sorted to Slytherin.

"Hufflepuff! Sorry, mate!" said Jimmy, who was in Gryffindor.

"Hey, Cedric Diggory was in Hufflepuff!" I protested. "He was pretty cool!"

"Yeah, and pretty DEAD!" said Angelica, who was in Ravenclaw. All three laughed.

I hated being in Hufflepuff right from the start.
 
I fucking love this.
 
Me too. I am eagerly anticipating the next instalment.
 
I had been nervous on the train travelling to Hogwarts. I was very self-conscious of the age gap between me and the other first year students. I decided to tell them that the plan was to move me up to second year as soon as possible and I only had to talk to Professor Dumbledore about it to get things going. Right away I noticed how much taller I was than the other students. They seemed in awe of me. It was embarrassing. I sat on my own, but it wasn't long before Mark and Jimmy came and joined me in my compartment.

"Alright!" said Jimmy. "You're big, aren't you?" I didn't want to talk to them...but it was a long journey.

"Look, I'm being moved up soon, it's not my fault they only found me now," I said. "You'd think the wizards would keep better records."

"My parents are both wizards," said Mark. He sounded a bit snooty. It wasn't a surprise at all when he was later snorted into Slytherin.

"Mine were too," I said. "AND VOLDEMORT MURDERED THEM, ALRIGHT? I WATCHED IT HAPPEN. SO DON'T FUCK WITH ME." I don't know which word shocked them more, "Voldemort" or "fuck". I had discovered "he who cannot be named"'s name after some reading. The truth is that I didn't see Voldemort kill my parents at all, nobody did. I was just newborn at the time anyway, I never knew them. But Hagrid had told me they were found with his mark carved into their bodies. So it must have been the bastard who did it.

Mark and Jimmy sat in silence for a while, just staring at the floor. Then Angelica walked in. "I really want to be in Ravenclaw, I've decided!" she said to me, as if we were old friends, sitting down beside me. "What about you?"

"Slytherin," I said. "I'm bad to the bone."

As it ha turned out, the four of us had each ended up in different houses. But I never would have guessed it would be me sent to Hufflepuff.

So there the four of us stood, me desperately trying to think of something.

"Well, this is goodbye," said Jimmy. "We'll be in the same classes, of course, but I expect Mark will hate me and Angelica, because of the rivalry between the strong houses...he'll just pity you, Hugo."

"I'm going to sort this out," I said.

"Right after you get skipped ahead a year?" snorted Mark. The little shit. I would have kicked his ass if he wasn't a foot shorter than me.

"Hufflepuff students, with me!" I heard Professor Sprout call. I looked around for Dumbledore, but he was nowhere to be seen. I walked off without saing another word to my friends. I followed behind the other Hufflepuff students. I noticed right away that most of them were overweight.

I should have been fascinated by the shifting stairs and changing corridors as I made my way through Hogwarts...I even saw The Bloody Baron, Slytherin's ghost, walk right through some fat kid in front of me. Then I saw the fat kid shit his pants. He ran off somewhere. Sprout didn't even notice. What kind of a Head of House was she?

We got to the painting which led to the Hufflepuff common room, but I marched right up to sprout and grabbed her arm.

"There's been a mistake! I'm not supposed to be in the spastic house!" I said.
 
"Young man, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," said Sprout. She was so ugly up close.

"Why, you going senile, you old bat?" I asked. "I'm not going into your stinking common room with these fatties and...I don't even know what the fuck he is!" I was pointing at a poor boy named Jonas Shrub who had a third ear growing out of face due to a horrible magic accident gone wrong. He was actually a nice guy. But I didn't care at the time.

"You will go into that room, you ungrateful little shit, or I'll cast a spell turning you into a mindless zombie and giving you no choice but to do everything I say," she hissed. I was quite surprised, really. "And I will be speaking to Professor Dumbledore about you soon."

"Mindless zombie, eh?" I said. "Guess I'd fit in with the rest of the Huffters." But I did go in anyway. I would never have admitted it, but at this time I was still a little scared of what magic could do to me. Of course, I'd soon come to learn a lot more about magic...and become even more scared. I knew so little at this point.

I stomped into the cosy little common room and immediately claimed a bed in the dormitory and lay facedown, sobbing silently. What had happened to my life? I had been happy with my adopted parents. Life was going along fine...it was a little boring, sure. I didn't quite fit in, was always looking for something more...and when I found out I was a wizard, I thought magic was that something more. But now I just didn't know at all. Maybe I was just a typical 13 year old boy trying to make sense of the world. I could have got through it, had a normal life. But no, I'd answered the call of magic and came here...left everything I knew behind...to be in fucking Hufflepuff. It wasn't right.

Maybe I could become the greatest student Hufflepuff had ever seen? Better than Cedric Diggory himself? But then everyone would just say it was because I was older than everyone else in my year anyway. And how could I motivate myself, knowing I'd be coming back to this dormitory...with third-ear boy, who was staring at me at this moment.

"At least you got into Hogwarts," he said. "Did you know they don't go to wizard children with really low I.Q.s?"

"I don't believe you," I said. I didn't at the time. Surely the ugly collection of losers who made up Hufflepuff house had to be the thickest of the thick. "Go away."

I went to my first class the next day. Mark, Jimmy and Angelica were all there. I didn't speak to them, I was too depressed. Plus I had no idea how I was going to get out of Hufflepuff, let alone get put ahead a year like I'd been claiming. I had to talk to Dumbledore, I decided. But he was hard to track down. I asked some older students who just kind of laughed at the idea I could get a private audience with Dumbledore.

I saw him going into the library a few days in. I decided I was definitely going to talk to him, marched in...but he had vanished. Fucking magic. I sat down, utterly depressed, and began to weep into my hands.

"Are you okay?" a sweet voice asked. I looked up and saw the face of an angel. It was the first time I ever spoke to Hermione Granger.
 
I should have seen it coming. :D
 
Hufflepuff?

Puffnstuff!

[YOUTUBE]C-yLYz6ejqw[/YOUTUBE]
 
Being thirteen, I was now fimrly at the age where I'd gone from thinking girls were gross to being really interested and excited by them. I remember that I was actually playing with myself in my bedroom when Hagrid came round to my house for the first time! These newly discovered urges had been on the backburner ever since I discovered magic. But they came back to me now as I looked up at Hermiome. She was beautiful, I decided right away, genuinely beautiful. I felt myself going red. At least it would distract her from the tears.

"Yeah...yeah," I said. "It's my first week...just feeling a bit...missing home...and other stuff."

"First year? Wow, you look almost as old as the boys from my year!" she said. SHE THOUGHT I WAS HOT.

"Oh, well, I'm older...I found out I was a wizard late, but I want to get that sorted out...I want to skip a year, at least, but I can't get a hold of professor Dumbledore..."

"Professor Dumbledore is a very busy man," said Hermione, looking at me with intense eyes. I felt in turmoil inside. This was what it meant to be in love! "I'm sure he'll talk to you whenever he has time."

"Yes, of course," I said. "It's just...hard." I hoped she didn't look at my crotch. "You know, it's just...things here at Hogwarts aren't as I expected them to be."

"It's quite a shock to the system, isn't it," she said, smiling kindly. "But once you get used to it...it's glorious!" Should I tell her about the sorting hat thing? I didn't want to sound like a brat, moaning like Moaning Myrtle about being sorted to Hufflepuff...but wouldn't she understand? She was in Gryffindor, best friends with Harry Potter himself! She knew a little something about glory. She wouldn't have wanted to be stuck in Hufflepuff with the fatties and the ear-faced kids.

"And...well...the Sorting Hat," I said. "Umm..."

"You were sorted into a house you didn't want to be in?" she asked. She then moved closer (just when I thought my face couldn't get any redder) and whispered "was it Slytherin?"

"No," I said. "Hufflepuff. I know I'm lucky just to be here, but...I wasn't really expecting it."

"Yes, sometimes it's hard to figure out why the Sorting Hat does what it does," said Hermione. "But there's always a reason behind it, always a method to its madness."

"But isn't it possible that the Sorting Hat could be...wrong?" I asked. Hermione thought about this for a moment.

"Well...a few students have argued with the hat...maybe convinced it to change its minds...I know Harry did...but keep that between us, eh?"

"Harry Potter argued with the Sorting Hat?" I said, in awe. I had wondered if some of the things they said about Potter were exaggerated. I was beginning to really admire him...especially for being friends with such a fine piece of pussy as Hermione.

"Look, Hufflepuff is a good house," she said. "Just give it a chance, even if it feels wrong at first."

"They haven't won the House Cup in twenty years!" I said. "Even Ravenclaw have won more often. And the last time Hufflepuff won it was because students from all the other houses came down with Phantom Farts!" Hermione laughed. It was a lovely sound.

"You've done your homework!" she said. "Sounds like you know as much about Hogwarts' history as me!"

"Well...I like to read," I said.

"Maybe you could lead Hufflepuff to their first victory in years," said Hermione. "They need a morale boost after poor Cedric died. Look, just be thankful you weren't put in with the frightful oiks that make up Slytherin House!"

"Yeah, that's something," I said. I didn't want to admit to pure, sweet Hermione that I'd much rather be in Slytherin than Hufflepuff.

"And what you were saying about skipping ahead a year...I wouldn't recommend it. There's a reason everyone has to go through all seven years, no matter their age. There really is a lot to learn. Too much, sometimes. Why, a few years ago I took on some extra advanced classes and had to resort to time travel to get all the work done!"

"Time travel!?" I asked, aghast. I had no idea such a thing was possible, even with all I had read. "You're so cool!"

"I think that's the first time I've ever been called that!" she laughed. "Look, just keep your chin up for now, pay attention in class, do your best...these first few days in school are going to be really exciting as you discover all the new things, new possibilities. I'm sure Dumbledore will have time for you eventually."

"Right," I said. "Thank you so much."

"No problem," she said, with a wink. "It's part of the duty of older students to help out the newbies. I have to go see Harry and Ron now, but anytime you need to talk, just look for me here, in the library. It's where I can usually be found!" She walked off. I watched her ass as she went. I was definitely in love.

Argue with the Sorting Hat? That was interesting. I decided I'd take her advice and do my best...for now. But I was going to gain access to the Sorting Hat and TELL IT to put me in the right house.

Before that, I went back to my dorm and did some serious thinking about Hermione Granger.
 
This and Frimbo in such short succession. You've been hitting all the major win buttons lately.
 
really worrying how succesful lol
 
The talk I had with Hermione really changed me. I decided to start making a real effort in class. I WAS smarter than most of the other students, I knew that. I picked up things faster, remembered the names of spells and potions quicker than the rest...even in the first few days when I wasn't trying. Now I wanted to be the best student, show Sprout, Dumbledore and the rest what a mistake it was keeping me in Hufflepuff and the first year. And make Hermion Granger proud of me.

I remember the first time I heard the words "five pointes to Hufflepuff!" and it was down to me. I resented the fact that the points were going to shared with the rest of the worthless spackos in my house, but getting one up on Mark made it all worthwhile. He had been increasingly hostile to me as the early days wore on. Being in Slytherin must have done it to him. We were in the Defence Against The Dark Arts class, being taught by Professor Snape, who obvioulsy didn't want to be teaching a load of childish charms to first-yearers. He was quizzing us on the Bat-Bogey Hex when Mark stood up to answer a question with a smug look on his face...and got it completely wrong. I then stood up, the same smug look on MY face, and confidently stated the correct answer.

"Five pointes for Hufflepuff," sneered Snape. I gave Mark a middle finger as I sat down (behind Snape's back, of course) drawing gasps from the other students.

A similar thing happened in Herbology, this time with Angelica. We were both answering question after question, one right after the other, when finally she slipped up and I sprang in with the right answer. It was amazing, we'd been going at it for nearly ten minutes. Professor Sprout pasued for a moment and looked me up and down, sizing me up. She hadn't forgotten what I had said on the first day.

"TEN points for Hufflepuff! Well done, lad!" she said, at last. I gave my one-finger salute to Angelica as I sat down and she burst out crying. I felt bad, she was a nice girl, but I also felt...cool.

It was that same day that Professor Dumbledore showed up in the Hufflepuff Common Room. No one even knew how he got in, he just seemed to appear. It was my first time seeing him up close...and I wasn't impressed. He looked old. Tired. His hand looked diseased. All the other students were scared to approach him, but I marched straight up.

"Can I help you, Albus?" I asked. I really was turning into a cocky little shit. But Dumbledore just smiled.

"I'm here for you," he said. "Come, walk with me. We have much to discuss."
 
I resented the fact that the points were going to shared with the rest of the worthless spackos in my house
Click to expand...

LOL
 
"Can I help you, Albus?" LOL!
 
Dumbledore and I walked through Hogwarts. Students stared at us, amazed that I was strutting alongside the Head Master, wondering what was going on. I have to admit I was wondering too. But I wasn't going to ask him...I had to maintain mhy cool exterior.

"So, you must think you're pretty hot shit, huh?" asked Dumbledore, without looking at me. I was stunned. I almost stopped walking. But then I saw Angelica staring at us from the other side of the hallway. I wasn't going to lose face. Dumbledore whispered a password to a stone gargoyle.

"That's what they tell me," I said at last. No one had.

"Do you think you're the first student to give the finger behind a teacher's back?" he asked. We were heading up the stairs of the Headmaster's Tower now.

"How did you...I mean, no," I said. Damn it! Of course Dumbledore knew, he knew everything!

"Step into my office, please," Dumbledore said.

"Alright!" I said, trying to sound tough. "I've got some stuff...some SHIT I want to say!" I stepped in. It was an impressive room. There were portraits of the past headmasters on the wall, those creepy living portraits. I shuddered as one pointed at me with an angry expression on its 2D face.

"First of all," said Dumbledore, "I want to apologise."

"Never apologise to a student, Albus!" said the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black, a Slytherin headmaster.

"Please, Phineas, silence," said Dumbledore. The portrait shut up. "Now, I want to apologise for taking so long to find you. Your parents died so suddenly that you were taken by the muggle authorities without us knowing. We didn't even know you were still alive until Hagrid tracked you down."

"Well, that's...okay," I said. "Thank you...but that's my main complaint, professor Dumbledore. I should be Second Year, at least!"

"Do you know how much extra work you would have to take on to do that?" he asked.

"I could do it!" I said.

"Perhaps," said Dumbledore, raising an eyebrow. "But who would teach you? All wizarding classes require supervision and the only professors qualified to teach those classes are working a full schedule."

"Oh," I said. "But...there must be something...Hermione Granger time travelled to take extra classes!"

"And not even she got to skip a year," said Dumbledore. "Sorry, boy."

"Well, there's something else!" I said. "Hufflepuff! How can I be in Hufflepuff? You know I'm better than that, Dumbledore, I can see it in your eyes, how much you respect me! I should be in Gryffindor! Hufflepuff's for chumps, man!" I then saw something else in Dumbledore's eyes: a flash of anger. It terrified me.

"Helga Hufflepuff was a great woman," said Dumbledore. He seemed to be reaching towards me with his diseased hand...but instead he picked up some bird seed. "I have to feed Fawkes. I'll be right back."

"Uhh, okay," I said, and suddenly he was gone, through some door I couldn't find again with my eyes. I was alone...but there was something else in the room. The Sorting Hat, sitting on a table right in front of me! This was my chance. I just grabbed it without thinking and put it on my head.

"WHO DARES AWAKEN THE SORTING HAT?" it asked.

"Me, fuckface!" I said. "You put me in Hufflepuff and didn't even give me a chance to argue. WELL I'M ARGUING NOW!"

"Yes, I remember you," it said. "Hmmph."

"That's all you've got to say? I know why you did it, you know! It's because there's a quota to fill, isn't it? My name is one of the last alphabetically, so you put me in Hufflepuff to make up the numbers, so there was ten children in each house like there is every year!"

"Christ, you're retarded!" said the hat. "I had high hopes for you, but I don't know now..."

"Ha, I've caught you out!" I said.

"No, you complete cretin," said the hat. "Did it ever occur to you that I might have good reason to put you in Hufflepuff? That you were MEANT to do something there?"

"Well...what am I meant to do?" I asked.

"You were supposed to find that out yourself, but I doubt you'll even get that far on your own now. I suppose that's why Dumbledore brought you to me, so you'd know the truth."

"What truth?!" What the fuck was going on?

"There is EVIL in Hufflepuff, lad! PURE evil! And I need YOU to find the source of that evil and eliminate it. Don't you see? You are my spy inside Hufflepuff, my inside man!"

"Oh," I said. "Wow."

"YEAH, DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING, YOU COCKY LITTLE SHIT," said the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black.
 
Hearing the voices of the movie people saying these words in my head makes it even funnier. Especially the Sorting Hat.
 
"Evil in Hufflepuff?" I asked the Sorting Hat. "But who? What? How do I stop it?"

"We don't know who," said the Hat. "A powerful coven of witches detected the evil a few months ago, but not the source. This coven has never been wrong before. And there have been several strange incidents lately concerning Hufflepuff, I'll send one of my agents to infrom you of them soon. I wanted to tell you all of this later, when I was sure you were ready for the knowledge..."

"Well, isn't that why Dumbledore brought me here, so I would find this out?" I asked.

"This is my gig, boy," said the Sorting Hat. "Dumbledore's busy with his own shit, concerning the return of...He Who Cannot Be Named. How do you think his hand got all black like that?"

"Oh," I said. "What about Sprout?"

"As I said, we don't know the source of the evil," said the hat. "It is unlikely to be Sprout, she's been a fine teacher for many years, but we can't take the chance of telling her."

"So it's just me...and a talking hat again the evil that lives in Hufflepuff?"

"I've seen off more evil in my time than you could possibly imagine!" said the Sorting Hat. "But yeah, I am still a hat at the end of the day, I need you to do the leg work. Since I don't have legs."

"I could wear you," I suggested.

"Yeah, that wouldn't look suspicious at all," said the hat.

"Dumbledor's coming," said Phineas Black.

"Hey, why does that jerkass painting get in on our secret?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm on your side," said Phineas. "Evil inHufflepuff? Unacceptable! There's not supposed to be ANYTHING intersting or out of the ordinary about Hufflepuff. We in Syltherin shouldn't have to worry about them! I want this unusual behaviour shutdown! Hufflepuff must not be allowed to become a force for darkness! Unacceptable!"

"Okay, stop saying that," I said. I turned to the hat. "So what should I do...next?" The hat was no longer animated. It just looked like a hat now.

"Talking to yourself?" asked Dumbledore, who had appeared as if from nowhere.

"No," I said. "Just...look, you're busy, I don't want to take up any more of your time, I should go...I'm fine being in Hufflepuff and year one, don't worry about it..." I started to walk towards the door.

"But I have something for you," said Dumbledore. "Something of your father's." I stopped dead in my tracks.

"You...knew my father?" I asked.

"Of course. He was a pupil of mine, before he turned to evil," said Dumbledore.

"MY FATHER WAS EVIL!?" I shouted.

"Oh, no...I was just quoting Star Wars. I thought you'd get the joke," said Dumbeldore.

"That wasn't very appropriate!" I said.

"Sorry," said Dumbledore. Old bastard. "Yes, I knew your father, he was a student here at Hogwarts. We fought together in the Orc War of '79. He was a cunning warrior and the finest broomstick pilot I ever knew. And a good friend."

I felt chills up and down my spine. "Was that just from Star Wars?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, but it's accurate this time," said Dumbledore. "Seriously, he was a cool guy. You could have learned a lot from him."

"Well I can't now that he's dead!" I said.

"He recorded a message to you...but it will only play when you achieve something great," said Dumbledore. "Carry this stone at all times. When you are worthy, you will hear his words." He handed me a pebble. I was not impressed.

"You're just trying to trick me into being a good student...I was doing that anyway, thanks to HerFINEome. I don't need some stupid pebble to motivate me!" Put I put it in my pocket anyway.

"Fine," said Dumbledore, smiling. "See you later."

I left his office. I'd been there less than half an hour, but I felt like I was stepping out into a different life. I had a special destiny, to stop the evil that was taking over Hufflepuff. And my father had left a message for me. To top it all off, I saw Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione walking along the corridor on my way back to the common room, and Hermione smiled at me. Yeah, she wanted me bad.

School had just got seriously interesting.
 
It felt very different being back in the Hufflepuff common room, with all I knew. Someone here was EVIL and only I, and they, knew about it. I looked around at the various faces, wondering who it could be. My eyes got stuck on Jonas for a moment, the ugly kid with the third ear growing out of his face. I briefly wondered if it could be him; tormented every time he looked in the mirror, driven to evil. But it couldn't be, of course not: the Sorting Hat had said the evil had been detected a few months ago, and Jonas had only been at Hogwarts for a week like me. Unless the Coven could see into the future or something...I should have asked.

No, I had to assume it was one of the older students. I looked over at Hugh Fry, a rather burly Third Year, the closest thing to a bully I had encountered in Hufflepuff. He had made a few sneering comments at me over the last week. Could it be him? He seemed a bit thick, but maybe that was an act? It would be the perfect cover for an evil-doer, to create the illusion of being a thick Hufflepuffer.

"What are you looking at, Hugo?" he asked. "What kind of a GAY name is Hugo anyway?"

"Your name is Hugh!" I protested.

"Yeah, that's a man's name...why add 'go' to the end of it? Go where? Go to the men's room to fuck a man up the bum? Is that why you're called Hugo?"

"Yes," I said.

"Huh?" said Hugh, looking genuinely confused for a moment. It couldn't be him.

"I'm queer as fuck, Hugh," I said. "And I want you. I know what goes on at these schools. We might be young, but we're never too young for...a proper education." Some of the other boys laughed. Most of the girls just looked disgusted.

"You're fucking weird," he said. "They should put you on some kind of register!" He got up and walked off.

"Oh come on, show me your wand!" I said. I looked around, soaking up the laughs. I was going to keep playing the cocky little shit, I decided. It would be MY cover. The evil Hufflepuffer would never suspect the cocky little shit drawing attention to himself of being a spy.

I noticed one boy who hadn't been paying attention at all, a Sixth Year student named Philip Trout. He was sitting in the corner reading a book. And he was a goth. That was quite suspicious, a Hufflepuffer actually being able to read a book without being distracted. Plus I hated goths (really, who doesn't?) so I had taken an instant dislike to the guy. I decided to put him under extra surveillance. Would be typical of a goth shit to sell us out to Voldemort.

I went up the dorm to think things over. There was no one else there, so I lay down on bed. Then four seconds later I sat up as I heard a noise coming from my sock drawer. What the hell? I grabbed my wand. I didn't really know many spells yet, but I felt safer holding it. I slowly approached the drawer...but suddenly it threw itself open. A disgusting little creature jumped out...holding a knife.

"HUGO?" it asked, a crazy look in its eyes.

"Who wants to know!" I said, brandishing my wand.

"If you isn't Hugo I'ma gonna hafta STAB YA, so you betta be Hugo!" it said.

"Okay, I'm Hugo," I said.

"Good! Didn't want to hafta kill a child, you know what I mean? Yeah, anyshit, I'm Knifey. The Sorting Hat sent me. I'm its agent. I'm a house elf, in case you don't know."

"I've heard of house elves," I said. He was not what I'd thought a house elf would be like.

"Yeah, and I've heard of humans," he said, then spat on the floor.

"So you're going to help me find the evil?"

"I'll help ya, kid. We'll find the evil in Hufflepuff...THEN KNIFE IT!"
 
So here I was, confronted by a homocidal house elf. This wasn't as exciting as meeting Hermione or being given a secret mission by the Sorting Hat. It was pretty lame, really. And creepy.

"Your name's really Knifey?" I asked, finding it hard to believe. Surely even house elf parents wouldn't call their child that?

"What? You think I'm lyin' to ya, kid? You think I'm puttin' on some kinda act, some big SHOW? You think that, ya twat? You think me name is really Rodders and I watched my parents die and it broke me inside and I have to act like this to continue functioning? YA THINK THAT?"

"Well I do now!" I said.

"Look...call me Stabbie, actually. How's that for a compromise?" The little house elf's voice had changed now. He wasn't brandishing the knife in a threatening manner anymore either.

"You...you really watched your parents die?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Fucking ogres trampled them into the groundon Voldemort's say so. I only survived by hiding in a skip...there was nothing I could do. Dumbledore found me, on the streets. Took me in, gave me a home here at Hogwarts. Now I'm an enforcer. I make sure no evil shit goes on here. NOT AT HOGWARTS. This place is a haven against evil."

"This place is pretty cool, yeah," I said, meaning it.

"And I want to protect it...maybe I get a bit overzealous sometimes, kid, I don't know...it's just that Hufflepuff is the last place I'd ever expect evil to be lurking."

"Yeah, same here," I said. "So the Sorting Hat mentioned some incidents have happened recently...what kind of things?"

TO BE CONTINUED, FUCK I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING WRITE A SMALL UPDATE ANYMORE, SORRY, BRAIN IS BLANK, SORRY
 
You can't rush these things. When you're ready to write, write. When you're ready to wank over Michelle's boobs, wank. THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR EVERYTHING UNLESS YOU ARE HERMIONE AND HAVE THE TIME TRAVEL THING AROUND YOUR CREAMY PORCELAIN NECK.
 
"It's hard to pin them down," said Stabbie. "There was the horrible crash at last year's end of term broomstick display. The kids from the other three houses all crashed into each other and were injured...but the Hufflepuff brat managed to avoid the whole pile-up. Again, not suspicious by itself, but there's been other things too...that brick monster getting on the grounds somehow while all the Hufflepuff kids were in a special assembly...Ravenclaw's Common Room exploding...loads of little shit. IT ALL ADDS UP, KID! Plus of course there's the coven of witches, those old hags know what's going on!"

"Yeah, okay, I get it," I said. I didn't know what to make of Stabbie at first. He seemed to be on the right side...but how much help could he be, really? He didn't know much more than me. "So what should I do?"

"Just keep an eye open. No, TWO eyes. Just watch and shit, alright? But other than that, just go about your normal lessons, learn everything you can...because if you do uncover this evil, you may have to fight it yourself."

I shuddered at this, but didn't want to let on I was scared. "No problem," I said. "I'll kick its ass."

The next day was a big one for me. It was the first day we had Flying lessons.

I'd been dreading flying. I'd only been on a plane twice in my life and had been terrified. I'd kept my eyes shut most of the time. It wasn't even fear of crashing it was just so...unnatural. When I'd looked out the window, it had felt wrong. Human beings aren't supposed to be that far above the ground. It's not right. How the fuck was I going to ride a broomstick?

I hoped that somehow I wouldn't pick up the technique, that the broomstick wouldn't respond to my commands. No such luck! I picked it up before the rest of the class. I really had no excuse now, unless I told Madam Hooch I was scared of heights...and I wasn't going to do that. No way was I losing my cool reputation now! It was about the only thing that made Hogwarts bearable...yes, I had my secret mission, but none of the other students knew about that. Being cool was the only way I could feel important in front of them.

I took off. I kept my eyes shut. I kept saying I would open them...I had no idea how high I was. Finally I heard Madam Hooch shouting "TOO HIGH, HUGO, TOO HIGH!" I opened them...I was higher than the highest tower on Hogwarts! Even the other students flying look like ants! But I wasn't scared, not at all. I was excited. I realised this wans't like being in a plane at all, the difference was that on the broomstick I was in control. I had the power! I could fly. I ignored Hooch and just enjoyed it.

Finally I swooped back down. I landed next to Mark and gave him a smug smile. Hooch looked angry...then said she wanted to sign me up to the Quidditch team right away!

I spent the night telling Stabbie about what had happened...he seemed interested. I think he was just happy to have someone to talk to. He explained the rules of Qudditch to me.

"Wait," I said. "This game makes no sense! The game ends when the seeker grabs the Golden Snitch? So it can end RIGHT AWAY? And what's the point of scoring goals at all when getting the Snitch is the ONLY way to win? It's fucking stupid!"

"That's Quidditch!" said Stabbie and we both laughed.
 
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